Let's play WAR like it's 2k4!

Y'know that dream where you shoot off your gloop gun right into Nigel’s grinning face? Yeah, c'mon, you know, the one that has you waking up in a cold sweat, screaming loudly and yet also curiously aroused with a somewhat sticky patch on the duvet? Ah bejasus, you know the dream I mean! We've all had it, surely?!

Well, it’s your lucky day because we’re giving YOU a chance to grab your cannon firmly by the shaft, stick your finger right into the trigger hole and to pump away at us both on a team rumble in our very own private Unreal Tournament 2004 jungle!

That’s right folks, it’s team David vs. Team Nigel. There can be only one worthy of being crowned “King Dick and his merry bunch of smelly ballbag arse-licking freak hags”, so whose colours are YOU going to place your good name and massive weapon behind?

Nothing indeed, and it seems Epic who make the game agreed, because in a fantastic example of terrible timing, they pulled the plug on Unreal Tournament on 14/12/22 just as we annouced our plans to play it! Although it was available from the Steam store, it is no more. If you still have the original install DVD from back in the day or it previously purchased from Steam, then you're in. If not, all is not necessarily lost - jump on our Discord group linked later on this page and we'll see if we can get you fraggin' with the rest of us! - You may find it on this torrent here *ahem!*

So, a jolly good barney with some pissed up pals is always a bit of a lark; let’s discuss the when’s, where’s and whyfor’s of the whole (literal) shooting match...

*Occasionally we may switch on an additional mutator such as low gravity, only sniper rifles, head size increases if you’re a proper Charlie Whitman, etc. Instagib (one shot, one kill) is a common one as it helps level the playing field.

Questions? Is that what you have? Well, I'm here for you to pop them into my ear my friends, so don't be shy, whisper away…

What’s that you say? Unreal Tournament 2004? Isn’t that, like, soooo 18 years ago?

Well, yes, but a bloody good blaster is a bloody good blaster, same today as it was then, and with none of that distracting building shite you get in friggin’ Fortnite either. Think of it as a fine wine… a fine whine being what Nigel will be doing when he inevitably loses.

What’s that you say? Why not Team Fortress or something else more modern?

We’re going for gameplay over graphics which means the high-end Pentium III or Athlon PC you needed back in ’04 to play with all the whistles & bells turned up to eleven is nought but a calculator compared to the PC sat on your desk today, so system requirements are small and you can probably wallop all the settings up to the max on your standard office Excel numbercruncher without needing the latest nVidia chipset. This makes it more accessible to all and sundry on more modest hardware (by today’s standard).

What’s that you say? You’ve never even heard of UT?

Indeed, that’s another reason for eschewing more modern titles; the joy of this game is it’s a piece of piss to pick up whether you're an old hand or a complete noob. No tutorial needed, no class type to choose from, no weapon loadout, no tutorial needed – just jump in, grab a gun, shoot your load, get fragged, respawn, repeat. Basic starter controls are listed further down this page, and you can always practice offline against some bullshit bots to get your hand in... No tutorial needed.

What’s that you say? It costs £8.99 on Steam at the time of writing whereas the likes of Team Fortress is free?

Well, it did, but then the fun police at Epic pulled the game from Steam in December '22. Still, if you're interested, jump on Discord and we'll see what we can do to assist in finding you a copy.

What’s that you say? You don’t know what player name to choose?

Maybe choose your usual social media handle so we know who you are and so we can all tickle each other’s bollocks about it. Unless you’re some kind of girl that is, in which case... I dunno, I guess we’ll tickle something else. Your host's handles are eNigMar for Nigel, SAVERY_Sausage for David. Your name, skin and preferred team colour is set in the Player menu. You can choose to switch team after the game has started by punching the Escape key. Most of the time, we play an all vs. all deathmatch.

What’s that you say? You’re some kind of incel or nonce with nothing better to do than to try and get onto this server while drinking Lidl lager and running violent pornography in the background on a second screen?

Gosh! I presume you’re already in a select Whatsapp group along with several high-ranking members of the local constabulary? Anyhow, pull your trousers back up and let virtual (and more wholesome) battle commence you fucking oddball!

The server is limited on player numbers, so it’s first come, first served. Installing the game is no guarantee from us that it will work on your computer or that you’ll get onto our server when you want to. Maybe we’re pissing in the wind here and nobody will want to come play with us, then again there might just be enough interest out there to fill the limited spaces every week... assuming we keep it up every week. This all might die a death before you know it, in which case all of us are nine quid out of pocket. But hey, first world problems, huh?

Oh, and as your school PE teacher always said when he wasn’t too busy watching you take a shower with his hand thrust down the front of his shorts: “cheaters never prosper”. Start trying to get cocky with mods and it may see you banned from Steam or kicked off our server at our whim. It’s our rules sonny. Oh, and don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad mmmkay.

We may tweak things as we go along, but for now we’ll have voice chat off, although UT does have a text chat option. Racist, bullying or overtly offensive comments outside of what would be deemed as acceptable bants will see the perp kicked and banned. Okay, I know it’s hard to draw the line when it comes to what may be humourous or offensive, so put it this way: assume everyone knows who you are and you’re shouting in a crowded room at your niece’s wedding: would you say what you’re about to say? If the answer is “God, No!”, maybe assume you should keep your daft trap shut!

If you hate a particular map, or would like to see one introduced, do let us know. UT does have a map voting option, but for now we’ll leave it auto-rotating. Non-standard maps we put on the server should automatically download to you, although it may hold up your getting into the melee if you’ve not been in that particular playing arena before.

Scheduled games may be cancelled at any time and without notice. Sorry, but shit happens.

When setting up the game, set the maximum resolution to 1280x1024 which is a 4:3/5:4 format and then, in Windows, use the arrowed Maximise tab to full-screen it to the widescreen display you're (more likely than not) using. You only need to turn down detail or resolution settings if your computer is too puny to cope with this ol' game!

UT has various game types. We’ll select a genre for each week. Some game types involve vehicles although most are run-point-shoot.
 

There are other game types, but we’ll start with these as the basics. Team Deathmatch is likely to be the most common for general drunken shits n' giggles. When you join the server, you’ll be automatically assigned to a particular team when playing team games; red for Nige, Blue for David. You can change teams if you want to sack off being with Nige and join King David’s winners – at least so long as there are places available. Where a team isn’t fully populated by humans, bots will take over and they may be thick as shit or hard as nails. We may even change the game type in the same session; we’re just THAT anarchic!

To find our server, click Join Game and, uncheck the tickbox that say Standard Servers Only! If you get any communication errors, hit Refresh. The server name is DSESUT2004, so when you do see our server in the list, right-click it and select Add to Favourites, after which you'll always be able to track it down in the Favourites menu.

On a PC, in-game default controls tend to be:

All controls are configurable and there are many more, but these few will get you going out of the box.

Weapon types are listed below. Number keys or mouse scroll will select your pointy-shooty thing of choice if it's currently available in your inventory. These are the default weapons; some third-party maps may tweak what's on offer.

1. Shield gun		Always available but needs to be up-close and personal with someone you wouldn’t ordinarily want to be up-close and personal with if it's to be effective on primary fire. Secondary fire projects a shield before you while it’s charged.
2. Assault rifle		Your basic in-game blaster. It is possible to carry two for that dual hand-job experience, however the primary fire of poxy bullets is weak. The secondary fire of grenades packs a little more punch, but you'll generally want to grab damn near anything else if you're to power up and press on.
3. Bio rifle		This gloop gun’s primary fire shoots green Mr Spock spunk (for all intents and purposes) which is poisonous to the touch. These hot gobbets of Vulcan spooge explode shortly after you’ve fired it all up the curtains. Secondary fire builds up an uber-blob which is more stubborn than chewing gum to get out of your hair.
4. Shock gun		A not terribly powerful (but awfully pretty coloured) laser beam which, nonetheless, is fast and effective over a distance. As a visible line-of-sight weapon, it can betray your position, so don't get complacent when trigger happy. Secondary fire is a ball of energy that can blast a target if fired directly, or it can itself be shot after firing to make it explode in-flight with a deadly blast radius.
5. Link gun		Goodness gracious, great balls of (green) fire! That's the primary zap of this thing which is relatively slow but effective at short to medium distances. The secondary fire is a stream of plasma pish which can be used in a coordinated way with other team members when wielding the same weapon. In some game modes such as Onslaught, the secondary fire is used to heal damage to friendly vehicles and to boost power nodes.
6. Minigun		Schwarzenegger's favourite: The ol’ spray and pray gun of choice for your average T101 Terminator. Secondary fire simply offers more clout albeit at the expense of speed.
7. Flak Cannon		An effective close-range weapon whose primary fire blasts out hot shards of shrapnel that causes a lot of grief, especially as it can be bounced off walls and around corners against enemies who are dug in. Secondary fire lobs a flak bomb which explodes on impact.
8. Rocket launcher		It might as well be made by friggin' Ronseal as it does exactly what it says on the tin for primary fire. Secondary fire will load up and launch not one, not two, but three (count 'em!!) rockets which takes some time but does the do when it comes to doing the damage. Those three rockets leave the launcher in a spread pattern unless the primary fire button has been pressed while secondary fire is loading, in which case they follow a tighter pattern towards any particularly unlucky bugger lined up on the receiving end. Keep your enemy locked for three seconds and primary/secondary fire will hone in on your enemy's farts in a sulfur-seeking pattern that'll chase down your quarry and leave their final mortal thought being the regret of last night's choice of Carlsberg n' Curry.
9. Sniper rifle / Lightning gun		Ah, the camper’s choice. Shoot from the hip (primary) or use the scope to zoom in on the poor bastard you’re about to snipe right between the eyes. A straight bullet blaster in some maps, a lightning zapper in others, the same slow-but-deadly rules apply.
THE REDEEMER		Who doesn’t want the opportunity of firing a tactical nuke at the punk whose been mooning you with a cheeky expression across his mush? This one-shot-wonder appears only in some maps & game types as a special pick-up. Even then, it’s time delayed so won’t respawn until some time after the last lucky punter grabbed it by the grips! The primary is fire-and-forget – just make sure you’re not within blast range when it lands! Secondary fire is the wonderfully satisfying flight-controlled camera that allows you to steer it right up the chocolate starfish of whomever you like the least. Beware though, while flying the Redeemer, you’re vulnerable to attack, so bunker down in friendly territory! As a projectile, it’s very slow and can even be shot right out of the air which will soon wipe the smug smile off your ugly mug as the annoucer shouts "DENIED!"

Some custom maps may have alternative weapons not listed here that you'll need to figure out on the fly!

The lower left of the HUD shows your health and shield status. Normal health is 100 and the standard cross-shaped health pickups will only take you this high, however blue test tubes will boost it beyond that at five points a time. The maximum health is 199 which is obtainable if you run around collecting enough blue test tubes, or instantaneously with the "Big Keg o' health" which is available only on some maps.

Your shield can be increased by pickups. Also available on some maps is Double Damage, but you don't need me to explain how that works.

Adrenaline is shown in the top right and will have to build up to 100 before it can be used. Pill capsules will boost adrenaline, but the most effective way to turn points into prizes is either through kills (a high hit ratio helping to pump up the numbers), or goals such as capturing an enemy flag or taking a power node (on applicable game types). When the announcer says "Adrenaline Full", you can perform one of the following through a Forward/Backward/Right/Left combo on the direction keys...

Friendly fire is on, so you’ll have your own eye out, or that of one of your teammates, if you go running around with scissors or firing your faaarkin' shootah willy-nilly in the wrong direction.

Head shots always do more damage.

A ‘Translocator’ can be used to access hard to reach areas or to teleport to avoid incoming fire.

When picking up a weapon that's more powerful on a rapid fire than anything already in your inventory, the default game setting will automatically switch to it.

Additional pickups include shield and double-damage which are common to most maps. Grab 'em while you can and get stuck in!

Some maps use lifts, jump pads or teleports to move you to higher heights or father reaches. Simply step on or in to zoop to another place!

We're in no way responsible for game availability, compatibility or any other shit. If you install this thing and it blows your hard drive right out of your PC and directly up your cat's arse, we ain't forking out for the fucking vet's bill.

Stupid ideas like this live or die on participation. This’ll either sink or swim, but check back here for updates to all that’s listed above. There’s also a Discord chat room where players can pop on to chat shit (non players who pop on may have to get kicked, sorry!)

https://discord.gg/nWb5ChtHvN

We’re only in this chat room during game time; it really is just for messaging from a second screen while in-game about the game. If you’re joining, keep it friendly and don’t be an annoying twat or we’ll bally well boot you off for good.